


You Know I Love You

by maraudersaffair



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: First War, Infidelity, M/M, Mutual Masturbation, Pining
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-10
Updated: 2018-11-10
Packaged: 2019-08-08 01:19:13
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,925
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16419686
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/maraudersaffair/pseuds/maraudersaffair
Summary: James has one chance to show Sirius how he feels. They just can’t touch.





	You Know I Love You

**Author's Note:**

> **Disclaimer:** Harry Potter characters are the property of J.K. Rowling and Bloomsbury/Scholastic. No profit is being made, and no copyright infringement is intended.  
>  **Notes:** Thanks for reading!

Sirius didn’t hate Lily. He didn’t. Sometimes he just wished she didn’t exist. 

He knew it was weird. He knew _he_ was weird. But he couldn’t help it. Not much anyway. 

He loved James. He wanted him. He would die for him. He would do anything for him, even if it meant keeping quiet. Even if it meant making secrets his life. Even if it meant he sobbed at night, alone in his lonely flat, trapped with nothing but his want for company. 

And, Merlin, did he want. 

He wanted to press James against the wall and kiss the breath from him. He wanted to drop to his knees and make him tremble. He wanted to show him what his mouth and fingers could do. He was talented. So, so talented. All he needed was the opportunity to show James. 

There had been hints. Moments. There had been stomach twisting hesitation. Sirius hadn’t been able to breathe but his stiffy sure had no problem. 

The only important question: Did James know? 

The next only important question: Did he feel the same way?

Sirius wasn’t sure if he wanted answers. What they had was good, life-saving. What they had was the best thing that had ever happened to Sirius. 

Sirius never wanted to jeopardize them. He never wanted them to end. So he remained silent. He didn’t touch. He smiled and encouraged. He talked to Lily and laughed at her jokes. 

He didn’t touch. He didn’t look for too long. He stopped leaning in for hugs. 

He stood in the shower, the hot steam stealing his breath. He pressed his fist into his stomach. He pressed and pressed until his knuckles left marks. He punched.

_Stop feeling this way._

_Stop thinking this way._

_He loves her._

*

James and Lily carried the burden of the war; it lived inside them. They feared for their lives; they feared for the life of their baby. It was hard, terribly hard, to not leave the house.

Dumbledore had hinted at a prophecy, but nothing official had been decided. They still had a taste of freedom. The bars hadn’t come down on their lives yet. Not completely.

This was why Lily decided to visit Mary Macdonald one night. It was dusk and the fading light made her hair look so beautiful. Sirius sipped his ale at the kitchen table and ignored the excited swoop in his stomach.

“You don’t mind, James?” she asked.

“Not at all.” He pushed back her hair to kiss her neck. “I’m glad you’re getting out. You deserve it.”

“What about Harry?”

“He’s already getting sleepy. Sirius and I will feed him, then put him to bed.”

She looked at them, uncertain. “Do you think you can handle it? Harry gets quite fussy before bed.”

“Have some faith in me!” James said.

“Yes, you’re right. I’m just fretting.” She took a deep breath and gave them both a lovely smile. “I’m not sure when I’ll be back. If it gets too late, I might wait until morning to leave.”

“We understand. Do what’s best.” James kissed her again and helped her pull on the Invisibility Cloak.

When she had gone, Sirius held little Harry and tried to feed him some mushy carrots. When Harry refused to eat, he bounced him in his lap instead.

“I wouldn’t eat them either, mate.”

Harry gurgled and laughed in response.

James leaned against the counter and watched them fondly. “I like seeing you two together.”

Sirius glanced at him. “I have no idea what I’m doing.”

“None of us do. Not even Lily. She’s just good at pretending.”

“She’s good at bloody everything.”

James sighed. “Yes, she is.”

They were quiet for a minute, but it wasn’t awkward. Sirius made faces at Harry, trying to get him to laugh again. James drank deeply from his ale and watched them. 

“We should feed him more than carrots,” James said, and went to the cupboard for some baby food.

Together, they spooned mushy apples into Harry’s mouth, which disgusted Sirius a little but Harry seemed to like it enough.

When Harry was full, they cleaned him up and went into the lounge. James turned on the wireless and Sirius laid little Harry down on the sofa. 

“He’s falling asleep,” Sirius whispered.

“Good.”

Sirius rubbed Harry’s back and watched him drift off. It was quite dark out now, and James had to light a few lamps.

“I’m going to take him up to bed.” James scooped Harry into his arms.

“Okay,” Sirius said, a little sad to see him go.

When James returned, he paused on the stairs and glanced at Sirius, then at the window. “Want another ale?”

“Sure.”

James proceeded into the kitchen. He returned with two ales, and Sirius enjoyed the cool froth while he drank his.

There was silence, but James seemed agitated, like he needed to tell Sirius something. 

“Is there something wrong?”

“No, no,” James said. He glanced at the window again.

“Are you worried about Lily?”

“Yes, of course, but she can take care of herself.”

“Why are you being weird?”

“I’m not being weird.”

“Sure,” Sirius said, shaking his head.

“You should drink up. I want us to get pissed.”

“Oh? Maybe I don’t want to get pissed.”

“You always want to get pissed.”

Sirius whirled the ale in his cup. “Not always.”

James sat down next to him, and their thighs almost touched. As Sirius drank, he used a gentle finger to tip his glass into his mouth. 

“Finish it all now,” James said. “I know you can do it.”

Sirius gulped and gulped, some of it running down his chin. When it was all gone, James took his glass and stood up.

“I’ll get you more.”

Sirius wiped his mouth and frowned. He didn’t understand why it was so important to James. They didn’t need to be pissed to have a good time.

An hour or so passed. Sirius drank obediently as James watched almost hungrily. Sirius’ head began to swim nicely, and he sighed and leaned back on the sofa. Everything was okay. The war was nothing to worry about. They were bound to win.

“Padfoot,” James whispered. He had scooted a chair so close to the sofa their feet almost touched.

“Yeah? What’s wrong?”

“Nothing’s wrong.”

“I’m pissed and you’re not.” 

“I couldn’t waste this opportunity.”

“What d’you mean?”

“It’s hard, you know, being stuck in this house. I can’t go anywhere. I can’t see anyone. I can never be alone with you.”

“But you have Lily.”

“Yes, I do.” James stared down at his hands, the black shine in his hair catching the lamplight. “I miss you, Padfoot.”

“I’m sitting right here.”

“I might die. We all might die.”

Sirius’ stomach clenched. “Stop. I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Padfoot.”

“What?” Sirius squinted at him, not understanding.

“ _Sirius_ ,” James breathed.

His chest tightened, and something like arousal bloomed brightly inside him. He sat up. He’d never heard James sound like that before.

“Tell me,” Sirius whispered.

James shook his head. He curled his hands against his thighs. “You already know.”

“I don’t. _Tell me._ ”

“It’s something that can’t be said.”

Sirius’ heart now beat fast. He licked his dry lips. “What do you want to do about it?”

James hesitated. “This might be the last time we’re alone together.”

“Yes.”

“I’m hard for you, Sirius.”

Sirius blinked. It took him a moment to understand.

“Yes, that’s what I said.”

“You . . . want me?” Sirius struggled to breathe.

“Of course I want you.”

“But - you’ve never - we’ve never -”

“It’s complicated.”

They stared at one another, and James’ eyes were dark. Sirius knew his own eyes were wide in shock. James gave him a little grin.

“Do you want to see how hard I am for you?”

“Yes,” Sirius whispered.

James stood up, and without breaking eye-contact, unbuttoned his trousers and pulled down his pants. He wrapped his hand around his hard cock. 

Sirius stared and stared. He’d never seen it like this; he’d only glimpsed James a few times in the dorms or in the showers, but never like this.

“Do you want me to move my hand? Do you want to see me stroke myself, knowing I’m thinking about you?”

Sirius surged forward. He needed to touch James. He needed to finally taste him. He _ached_ for it. 

James stepped back. “No touching.”

“Please.” Sirius was begging, but he didn’t care. “Merlin, _please_.”

“No. Only look.”

“James.” Sirius sounded breathless, like he was in pain. “James.”

“Take your trousers off.”

Sirius scrambled to get his trousers off. It was only when his cock was revealed that his brain caught up and told him to be embarrassed.

“That’s a good cock. Not as big as me, but it’s still a good one.”

“Fuck you.” Sirius trembled.

“Wrap a hand around yourself. I want to see you wank.”

Biting his lip, Sirius did what he was told. He stared into James’ eyes as he stroked himself. He weeped at the tip, and his cock seemed to understand the enormity of the situation. It was too eager, too hard too quickly, and Sirius had to relax his fingers and slow his stroking. 

“Fuck,” James said, stroking himself too, his flushed cock disappearing between his fingers.

“Get yourself wet. I want to see you taste yourself.” Sirius didn’t know if he’d understand, but James flashed him a grin and licked his palm. 

“Like this?”

“More.”

“Yes, boss.” James licked and licked, letting his drool collect on his palm, between his fingers. Then he was stroking himself again, and they both moaned.

“You’re beautiful,” Sirius said, parched. He wanted that cock in his mouth.

“Go faster. You’re just teasing yourself.”

“I’m not coming before you.”

“Oh, Merlin,” James moaned. His head fell forward, and he was now fucking his hand. Sirius couldn’t look away.

Sirius quickened his strokes, but only a little. His bollocks were tight, ready, and his thighs trembled a little. He didn’t want this to end. 

“Padfoot,” James moaned, breathless, on the edge.

“Imagine being inside me. Imagine fucking my arse.”

Groaning deeply, James came, his hand a blur on his cock, his eyes rolling up. There was a lot of semen, and some of it landed on the carpet. 

He relaxed and reached for his wand. When he had cleaned himself up and put away his cock, he raised his eyebrow at Sirius. “Your turn.”

“Look,” Sirius said, strained. He gathered some precome on his fingers, let it string from his thumb. “Look.”

“I’m looking.”

Sirius licked it from his finger, tasting himself, his eyes boring into James. 

“Fuck.” James’ voice was high, desperate, even though he’d already taken his pleasure.

Sirius wanked himself fast and hard, just how he liked it. He tipped his head back and let himself let go. With a tight cry, he came and it was too much. He had no idea what he looked like.

“Wow,” James said when it was all over.

Sirius gasped, his head spinning. The alcohol made him feel sick.

“I want you to sleep now.”

“Get me a blanket,” Sirius said, slumping over.

“Wait a sec.” Using his wand, James cleaned him up and Sirius pulled up his trousers. Then James draped a blanket over him and summoned a pillow from upstairs.

Sirius tried to grab his hand but James moved away. “You know I love you.”

“Yes,” James said quietly. He paused, and Sirius was too dizzy to see his expression. He whispered very, very quietly: “I love you, too.”


End file.
